Sail-eberty death match, Outers vs. Starlights
by Golden Solaris
Summary: A funny fic, Where senshi vs. senshi is common. BEWARE OF FLYING HOTDOG STANDS!


Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, Don't sue me, I'm broke.  
  
Outers v.s Starlights  
  
Sailor Enigma: Hello New York! *waves*  
  
Jupiterkat: Uhhh...we're not in New York are we?  
  
Sailor Enigma: I dunno it just sounded right!  
  
Jupiterkat: Oh okay. In that case: Hello Cleveland! And Montreal, and Tokyo, and Toronto, and Boston, and Kiev, and...  
  
Sailor Enigma: Citizens and visitors of the TOTALLY kewl city of COOL CITY! *crowd roars*  
  
Jupiterkat: Ow! My ears!  
  
Sailor Enigma: This week we have a totally fabu match-up, invited by a new age, the fabulous outer senshi! And the rockin Starlights! Plus Yaten ^_^ *swoooooooon*  
  
Jupiterkat: Sailor Enigma. You know we shouldn't be biased! *hides "anti- Yaten" T'shirt* Heehee.  
  
Sailor Enigma: I am not biased! *shoves her box of Sailor Saturn merchandise underneath a table*  
  
Jupiterkat: Hey? Is that the official Sailor Jupiter Saturn Silence Glaive Complete with death Shield (tm all rights reserved)? Lemme see! Lemme see!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Shhhh! *hides it* Who do you think will win? This really is a toughie! I'm not sure! I mean it's like, the outers have all four of them there. So they have an advantage. If it was only Neptune, Uranus and Pluto the Starlights would have more than a good chance of beating them off... but there is the glaive factor in there as well... and whoa it's tough! The Starlights are still really powerful.... what is your stand?  
  
Jupiterkat: Well, though both groups are powerful I have to go with the outers. I mean there are 4 of them. Besides The outers have Pluto and Saturn. The Starlights have...Maker. *Ducks from exploding newt shot by Maker fan*  
  
Newt: Bam! Kablowie!  
  
Jupiterkat: Hey!  
  
Sailor Enigma: That reminds me....... for you folks who haven't heard yet, there was a bomb threat earlier this week. Bomb, the leader of the exploding newts, said if they weren't given police employment they would simultaneously detonate during this battle. But don't worry folks, our police force has it under control.  
  
Jupiterkat: Bomb threat? I never heard about any bomb threat! Why wasn't I informed about a bomb threat? *panics* We could all die! Or worse! We could all get covered in Newt bits! *grabs Enigma by the collar and start to shake her back and forth* WHY WASN'T I INFORMED!?!? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! AND TOO CLEAN TO GET COVERED IN NEWT BITS!! *starts to run in panic circles*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Jeez ^^;;;; Relax, the police have it under control.  
  
Jupiterkat: * under her breath* Sure that's what they want you to think. They think you can't handle the truth  
  
Sailor Enigma: *gives Jkat the evil eye* And now for the ceremonial viewers opinions *claps and three emus drag out the video prompter* Good emus! Now go back to Marge's emu farm!  
  
Jupiterkat: *smiles* Heehee! In full Cheez-o-rama-Emu vision!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Fun as always! *audience claps* Oooh! Look! Grandpa Hino is dragging the gong out! He holds the bangy thing.... swings it back and.....*plugs ears*  
  
Gong: NARF!  
  
Jupiterkat: Narf?  
  
Grandpa Hino: It was the Pinky gong banger!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Yeah, you know, regular gong bangers say "Dong!" Jolt ones say "Boingy!" and Pinky ones say "Narf!" It makes sense, ne? Oooh! The fight is starting! The senshi enter from opposite ends of the arena...  
  
Outers: Invited by a new age we are the Outer Senshi!  
  
Crowd: *standing ovation*  
  
Jupiterkat: Oh thank you! Thank you so much! They love me! They really love me!  
  
*newt flies at jupiterkat*  
  
Jupiterkat: Oh, it's for the the senshi ^^* I...I knew that! I did! I...oh forget it... The senshi glance nervously at each other..... Sailor Starhealer....  
  
Starhealer: STAR SENSITIVE INFERNO!  
  
Sailor Enigma: AHH! *covers eyes* The reflection off of Taiki's forehead is blinding!  
  
Jupiterkat: That's why I came prepared! *puts on Taiki forehead glare proof sunglasses*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Grrr. Oh my gosh! The outer senshi are blinded by the reflection! This is horrible!  
  
Starmaker: STAR GENTLE UTERUS!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Eeee! *slams shut the announcer's booth window as goo covers the arena*  
  
Jupiterkat: *shudders* Ewwww....the goo! The goo! Make it stop! *flips goo shield button* We must protect the viewers!  
  
Sailor Enigma: The goo seems to have hit Pluto and Uranus.... but Neptune and Saturn are squeaky clean thanks to quick thinking by Saturn, her Silent Wall has protected them from the rain of uterus goo!  
  
Jupiterkat: Yes! But Sailor Neptune is a little upset about having her partner gooified  
  
Sailor Enigma: The goo is overcome by the mighty force of a tidal wave..... it washes down the drains. (I didn't even know we had those, jeez...)  
  
Jupiterkat: Well it saves on the Arena cleaning bill. Maybe we should get Neptune to do that after every fight...Oh! Sailor Star Fighter's gonna do something!  
  
Fighter: STAR SERIOUS LASER!!!  
  
Sailor Enigma: It flies at Uranus. But as we know, NOBODY hits Uranus that easily! She effortlessly jumps out of the way and behind Starfighter. Before Starfighter can blink, she's the victim of a big super-dooper Haruka- style wedgie.  
  
*all the guys in the crowd wince*  
  
Jupiterkat: Oooh...that's harsh. Healer comes in from behind and tries to fight Uranus but Pluto uses a Dead scram on Healer!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Ooooh ahh..... amazing the things we have in this booth! *Sailor Enigma hums Yankee Doodle as she makes muffins with the muffin making axe 2000* *eats muffin* Mmmm! Tastey!  
  
Jupiterkat: *stares* Uhhhh...Callisto? The fight?  
  
Sailor Enigma: *mouth full of muffins* Mmm? Whassa fightrs? *chews* Mmm! Delish!  
  
Alarms: ALERT! ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!  
  
*senshi stop fighting and look around curiously* *bright lights flash and sirens go off*  
  
Jupiterkat: Uhhhh...Enigma? What's happening? This wansn't in the skript... make the bad noises stop...  
  
Sailor Enigma: *Drops muffin axe*  
  
Bomb: *voice comes over speakers* *in russian accent* I am General Bomb Newt! Because our demands were not met my people and I will all simultaniously explde! Causing you and your viewers to be covered in newt bits and extreme guckiness! MWAHAHAHAHA*couch choke hack* Ooo....furball.  
  
Jupiterkat: Newts don't have fur...  
  
Bomb: Shut up! It's a free world! I can have fur if I want!  
  
Jupiterkat: okaaaaay....  
  
Sailor Enigma: Omygod! The newts are here! Where is the damned police force!?  
  
*Sailor Pluto and Sailor Neptune point to the police who are laying drunk in piles of donuts*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Uh-oh! Damned police force! Incompetent little blurbs they are!  
  
Bomb: So Enigma, we meet again...  
  
Sailor Enigma: Dammit you newt! Show your face!  
  
Sailor Neptune: My mirror can see anything! *scans the arena with her mirror* The newt is.... right there!  
  
Sailor Enigma: OMYGOD! Elvis is Bomb!?  
  
Elvis: That's right! *tacky sequined jump suit falls off to reveal a newt*  
  
Sailor Enigma: AHHHH! *hides behind Jupiterkat*  
  
Jupiterkat: Alright Newty...you wanna exlpode, you gotta get through me first! Put up your dukes...uhhh...feet.  
  
*'60's Batman music plays*  
  
Jupiterkat: throws punch *BAM*  
  
Bomb: kicks *SOCK*  
  
Sailor Uranus: *drop kicks Bomb* KABOW!  
  
Batman: Left hooks *ZOW!*  
  
Bomb: ENOUGH!!  
  
*everyone steps back*  
  
Bomb: Enough Foolishness. Newts! Prepare to explode!  
  
Sailor Uranus: Oh no you don't! *raises arm, light collects* WOOOOORLD SHAKING!  
  
Sailor Saturn: *raises Glaive, purple energy collects* SILENCE GLAIVE SUPRISE!  
  
Sailor Enigma: After the dust clears and the hot dogs have fallen.... Bomb gets up, injured and exhuasted  
  
Bomb: EXPLODE NOW!  
  
Jupiterkat: Wow, how suspensful! Oh wait it's over I'm not he-  
  
Sailor Enigma: *panicking* Ahhh! The newts are gonna explode! The newts are gonna explode! We should bring out the secret weapon eh Jkat? *wink wink nudge nudge*  
  
Jupiterkat: Well duh. They already said THAT. Secret weapon? What the heck are you talking abo- Oh! THAT secret weapon! *wink wink wink nudge*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Ahem *bangs on a pink sparkly button in the announcers booth and screams to Captain Howdie* RELEASE IT NOW!  
  
*suddenly strange '80's music starts to play*  
  
Jupiterkat: What is that music?  
  
Bomb: Quit stalling! You will all perish!  
  
Over Speakers: Shake shake shake! Shake that booty!  
  
Sailor Enigma: *cackles maniacally* Prepare to meet your maker, Bomb!  
  
Jupiterkat: Uhhh...Star Maker's over there. Oh! The weapon! Sorry, I'm just so nervous! My bad.  
  
Richard Simmons: Come on everybody! Love yourself! You can do it! Work those abs! Give yourself a big hug and say: Yes I can! Yes I can! Yes I can!  
  
Sailor Enigma: *puts on pink leg-warmers and exercises* I am a super person! I can do anything! I am a super person! I can do anything!  
  
Richard Simmons: Come on *slaps Bomb in the behind* Lets get sweatin! Shake shake shake!  
  
Jupiterkat: What you no like bomb? *puts on green leg warmers and joins in* We are super people we can do anything! We are super people we can do anything! We are super people we can do anything!  
  
Bomb: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! *runs in panic circles* Anything but this! No job is worth this much! Newts! retreat! retreat! *all newts leave, Bomb stays* You think you've won don't you? Well Mark my words: Sailor Enigma and Jupiterkat: We shall return. And when we do, no weapon will keep us from our victory!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Nyah nyah! *sticks out tongue at bomb* Now we should end this fight! Senshi, fight away!  
  
Jupiterkat: *sticks out tongue at Bomb* He says that, but I bet he gives up pretty easily. Oh! Sailor Pluto initiates the fight...uh...continuation of the fight with a Dead Scream!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Sailor Starhealer counter attacks! The lightning zips at Neptune who jumps out of the way! Sailor Saturn grabs her glaive and charges at Starmaker..  
  
Jupiterkat: Uh oh. This seems all to familiar. With a mighty stroke with her blade Sailor Saturn slices off Star makers head! Oooo...that's gonna leave a mark.  
  
Sailor Enigma: Eeewww goo came out. It's rolling around on the ground! Starhealer and Starfighter look at each other, unsure what to do. Starhealer cackles maniacally as he picks up Starmaker's head and does a perfect drop kick! Starfighter kicks it back. Omygod! They're playing soccer!  
  
Jupiterkat: Look! The outers are joining in! Well, that's just a new low. They didn't even invite us. Sailor Star Fighter passes to Healer. Oh! Uranus steals away the ball...er...head...he passes to Neptune who passes to Saturn she's running, But she's gettin weak! Oh! Fighter gets the head back! But Pluto hits her with her Time Staff! Is that legal? Oh well. She shoots.........She scores! And the crowd goes wild!  
  
Crowd: *wildly* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Pluto! Pluto! Pluto!  
  
Sailor Pluto: *blows kisses* *goal dances*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Sailor Pluto smirks evilly.... she turns around and holds her staff up, threatening Starfighter and Starhealer. They're surrounded! They stand back to back, unsure what to do... *bam* *slash* *woosh* *splash*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Ouch.  
  
Jupiterkat: Well, you know what this means...  
  
Sailor Enigma: The outers win! Please join us next week for another exciting edition of Sailor War Supreme Summer/Fall Series 01! The inner senshi free for all, support your fav inner! Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, Venus? Which one will win? Tune in next week to find out! Same bat time same bat channel!  
  
Music plays again: Shake shake shake! Shake your booty!  
  
*everyone exercises with Richard Simmons*  
  
Jupiterkat: I can feel the burn! We should have him in every week! Whew! 


End file.
